ioamoretupiu

So lets start with this morning. Well within about 2 mins of my waking up, I got out of bed stepped over most of the junk in my room to get to the door, then I slipped. I fell in this weird position with one knee on the floor and the other leg out straight, scared my poor kitty to death ( who is now LIMPING … I will get to that ) So I eventually got up and had to get ready for work and whatnot so I’m down at my bus stop and some lady scared the crap out of me. I was listening to my ipod and she came out of nowhere and started talking in Spanish and it seriously scared me so now I’m all jumpy and whatnot so I go to work like that. Now I never really thought I was this special but today I managed to injure myself on the part of the slicer at work that’s not sharp…. I knocked into the side of it and managed to give myself a huge bruise and a cut. Ugh and then I get home and my poor kitty is limping around the house. My mother thinks that she twisted her ankle and I want to take her to the vet but its to late right now. And I don’t know what to do about it. It makes my nervous… I don’t know what to do my moms friend who’s a vet said to just watch her for the next few days and see how it goes… otherwise we cant really do anything. Ugh today sucks.

So Yesterday was pretty good, surprisingly So i was supposed to see New Moon with a friend of mine but she sort of got sick and didn't tell me about it until i called her 30 mins before the movie then had to scramble to find someone to take the second ticket. Well that worked out for the most part, besides that fact that she called me about 10 mins before the movie saying she could come because she took cold medicine. Why didn't she just take it before then if she was planning on it anyway?? whatever.

The movie was actually really good, and you know what I’m not one of those really scary fans who freak out over the movies. In fact i read the books back before the craze ( well the first 2 and eclipse was sort of the start of the craze..) So Good movie, and now its sometime around 11 because I’m skipping a few hours of boring random stuff. So some time around 11 I was texting my friend who doesn’t like the twilight books at all and he was being dragged to the movie, which i found really funny honestly. but anyway he texts me and is like "The Theater is on fire" and honestly i wasn’t sure if it was literal at first ahah but it was! some idiot set fire to the bathroom of the Loews theater in stony brook!

Ok so after that little bit of strangeness, I had the weirdest dreams last night. The only one i really remember clearly, was I was with a friend of mine, and I think we were at my old school, but not really... you know how these things go. So there are two people missing, and some psycho running around apparently. but not everyone seems to know about it, because there is a BBQ or something like that going on. So the police are there and they are looking for the two girls and they found on in a closet or something like that. So my friend and i are looking in the woods, and there is this weird little house thing, so we go inside and end up walking into the bathroom. and it looks like any normal public bathroom and there is this police officer yelling at me to stop be noisy because the cops have already looked here since i was an " obvious place to look" well I’m ignoring him because my friend is upset because she know the girl who is missing. and I’m walking opening all the bathroom stalls and i get to the last one, and when i open it a girl falls out, i screamed bloody murder, and instantly pushed my friend out of sight so she wouldn’t see anything. she starts crying and i sort of picked her up and walking out while the police man was cursing and whatnot.

I woke up almost right after that and was kind of freaked a bit… I don’t know it just freaked me out for some odd reason. Well its still early and I need to do a lot of cleaning today, UGH well maybe I’ll be back later. Peace

I’m not sure i know what to do anymore. I don’t mean to sound morbid or anything like that but at the moment life pretty much sucks. My psychotic mother has now decided that if i don’t start " helping out" she’s going to cancel my cell phone. which is the only thing she pays for that’s mine. I really don’t care that much, i can just get my own cell if i have to but she seems to have this power issue that i don’t fucking feel like dealing with. I worked hours today and I’m so tired at this point but i cant relax at all enough to even consider sleep, and i promised someone i would go out with them tonight at 9 but right now i just want to curl up in a ball somewhere and cry. I’m just tired of having to deal with all this drama. I thought that life after school should have gotten better, i mean i did what i needed to. I got a job, I’m saving money and trying to aspire to something even though I don’t think anything i want to do it going to even be in the picture if i have to move out of this house and get another job. I wish things could be normal again. well i never really had normal, but it was somewhere next to normal that was more than ok with me. I miss my dad, and i miss having real holidays and other stupid random things that are associated with a family. I don’t even think she cares anymore. she’s just mad about her stupid boyfriend going back to Florida and leaving her here with us. she should just have gone with him; I’d be happier with her gone anyway. I need to start looking into renting property. even if its not going to be for a few months, i need to get on track with it all. and more than anything i really need to get a car. I cant rely on anyone for rides really, and i cant get home from work a lot if i get out to late. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck. I’m really, really stuck and I cant figure out what I’m suppose to do next.

Wow its been a long time since I’ve been here, a very long time in fact. I don’t know I guess I’ve been distracted by other random and generally meaningless internet sites to drag myself back here and let off some steam. Its been a long time and well a lot has changed, but I will get to that all in due time.
Today was boring, boring and well... that’s all there really is to say about it. about the past few days in fact. My manager at work messed up my work schedule and only put me on for work Friday and Saturday; aka the two days I requested off this week so next Thursday I’m looking forward to a 60$ pay check. I’m sitting on the couch in the living room right now which on its own is something generally different.
I’ve recently has some issue with cleaning my room. Not to say that I've been lazy but its like in the back of my mind there is some other voice screaming as loud as they can for me to just let it be. Of course my mother is less than happy about the mess, but I don't really care what she has to say anymore. she just complains to me then goes and calls her boyfriend on the phone and acts all happy and giddy. its just more than I want o deal with most of the time so I don't really talk to her much. i would bet anything i haven't talked to her about anything more important than if there is anything to eat for dinner in the house or if i need a ride from work for at least 2 weeks now. I don't know what to do with myself when it comes down to times like now. I miss having people around that I can really talk to. My friends have always been more of a family for me and with them at college spread out who knows where, i feel lonely a lot of the time. I mean i have a few friends here but its not the same. the people i really care about and who i feel care about me and scattered and to few in general. I feel like i want to branch out and do something about it, but well when it comes to meeting and greeting... I've never been to good at that. My social awkwardness kicks in to full effect and i don't want to talk to anyone and i wont make eye contact out of some innate fear of, i don't know offending someone? Its just something I'm going to have to work around for now. that or deal with the lack of conversation and general human contact that doesn't involve deli meat. Oh stop and shop deli... so much to say, and yet my brain isn't coming up with anything i find appropriate to post on the internet.
Oh joy my mother is being a tyrant and walking around the kitchen giving me dirty looks for not doing the dishes. Its just one of those days you know?
So I’m sort of feeling off right now, I’m thinking a lot about when I was younger and I think my brain is trying to make some off sort of comparison that does not quite make sense yet; but I’m sure I’ll catch up to it eventually. Its so dark out right now, and its only 5 30 and somehow I find that sort of depressing too. I miss the summer when it was warm and sunny, although I have to admit that this summer wasn’t exactly one of my favorite. I mean with the sort of on coming doom of everyone leaving its hard to have fun sometimes.
But right now I have to admit that I’m trapped in this cycle of counting. I’m counting down until everyone comes back which is in 7 days more or less. Depending on the person really. But I really cant wait for everyone to come home. I need some friend time. So I think I’m done for now. And perhaps I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon after another glorious day at stop and shop. Peace.

The worst headache I've had in months is currently reeking havoc on my brain. Its like my head is going to explode, but its not. I feel kind of dizzy at this point. I wonder if anyone who would be reading this has ever seen labyrinth, its a really odd decently old movie with David Bowie and the young version of Jennifer Connelly. Well there's a scene in this movie with these odd... creatures that can well pull of their extremities and then go about throwing them around and knocking each other with them and playing hockey with someones legs and soccer with someone head. It always scared me when I was little, after a few insane minutes of them running around and Sarah ( aka Jennifer Connelly )knocking off their heads in an attempt to escape the decide it would be a good idea to try and take off her head. well as you can imagine that didn't happen, this movie I'm pretty sure is G rated. The whole head coming off thing, I'm liking that idea at the moment though, minus the whole playing sports with my extremities part. If you wanna see a really funny critic of it go to www.thatguywiththeglasses.com and look up nostalgia chick, shes did an insanely funny review of it.

I took an insanely long shower, completely loosing track of how long I was in and turned the water obscenely hot and just sat there spacing out and slightly burning my legs. So now the aftermath of said shower is generally just fog; lots and lots of fog.I think I need a fog horn and a search light just to figure out what it was I wanted to come on here and write in the first place. For now I guess I'll just recap the day after this mornings explosion.
I spent about 4 hours in my room, blasting Rent to drown out everything. It went on like that for a while before I switched to watching more anime online. Sometime around 3 my mother decided to make peace and wanted to go out for Easter dinner/lunch. That was interesting, I saw a friend while I was out and we basically talked about past Easters and driving and whatnot the whole time then proceeded to come back to the house and my brother freaked out about tax returns because he's loosing money being listed as a dependant for my mother. Whatever not my business. I talked to people online for a good portion of the evening then proceeded to fall dead asleep some time around 6 ish and woke up to a really odd episode of NCIS. Today has been.... interesting and not really how I wanted to close up my spring break but I guess you take whatever you get at this point.

Something odd though, I did have a weird dream last night, but I don't remember most of it... but what I do remember was rather... Smutty. Not something I'll say I'm proud of but still interesting. I guess my odd romantic mishaps are starting to make their way into my subconscious. I would give details as to what I'm talking about but until things clear up I don't need to go posting my relationships or lack there of all over the internet. I'll be back tomorrow. PEACE

( why is my spell check trying to capitalize internet?? can anyone explain that one to me?? )

( You are about to view content that may only be appropriate for adults. )

So its been long over a year since I’ve even logged on here. a lot has happened, I guess you could relate it to the good the bad and the ugly. Good would be all the fun I’ve had this past year, new years, birthdays, movies, dates, I’ve got another baby cousin. Bad.. well there’s a rather fine line between bad and ugly. I've had a bad relationship that at times I feel like it takes a swim in the deeper side with the ugly. My dad has been out of the house for quite a while now. my uncle died [ RIP ] Ugly… well I don’t really know what would really be considered ugly. And now I’m thinking about that annoying ugly song, my mind is kind of like a broken record at the moment, its early and I didn’t get much sleep last night.

So to put myself on a different topic, I’m currently on one of my last days of spring break, its been uneventful.. Sort of. Watching House MD. At Amy’s house and epic donut runs, kind of awkward hanging out, I-con massive amounts of video games. I guess its not the best spring break for a senior in high school but I don’t mind; It’s all good.

School is something else. I’m fighting with graduation at this point, trying to get to all my classes and make my way through these last few months without anymore set backs. College…. Not something I really want to get into at the moment, that’s a frustration for later rampages.
I’m trying to come up with anything else that generally relevant. No really odd dreams recently, nothing all that interesting happened today; it rained and I spent the whole day inside watching anime and not thinking about how hungry I was and the general lack of food in the house since no ones been shopping a few weeks. My stomach is making weird sounds right now too, I’m not hungry.. But I’m not to sure what’s going in. I'm getting annoyed at my laptop for its lack of scrolling, and I think I should get going, its almost 3 : 30 and well my brain is way past shutting down. Maybe I’ll come back later. Peace

TEN RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME:
1. I'm a fake Vegetarian
2. I'm slightly afraid of large dogs
3. I get really nervous when I'm in the car and there’s a lot of traffic
4. I fidget a lot, and it really bothers me
5.I like really sour drinks
6. I want to get my ears pierced again
7. I'm deathly afraid of blood
8. My room is red, but I really want to repaint in a darkish) purple
9. My bed makes my back hurt, a lot
10. I hate eating in front of my boyfriend

NINE WAYS TO WIN MY HEART:

1.Smell good
2. Amazing hugs
3. Smile, a lot
4.Intellegence, I like to have actual conversations sometimes
5. Don’t be afraid to say what’s on your mind, or how you feel
6. Know when I'm having a bad day, and try to make me feel better
7. Be romantic
8.know when to fight a point, and when to let me get away with things
9. Don’t worry about how you look and act in front of my, its not your appearance that I love


EIGHT THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY:
1. my dog tag necklace/ serenity necklace
2. Wallet
3. Eye liner
4. Lighter
5. Cell phone
6. Body spray
7. Hair brush
8. Mascara.

SEVEN THINGS THAT ANNOY ME:
1. judgmental people
2. When my room is messy
3. Pushy people
4. Busy bodies ( nosy people)
5. When people talk about you behind your back
6. Cars driving my window at night
7. When people do nice things just for the attention


SIX STATES I'VE VISITED:
1.New York
2. Virginia
3.Florida
4.Connecticut
5.Maryland
6.Pennsylvania

FIVE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
1. Get Married.
2. Have kids/adopt.
3. Travel to Europe
4. Live in a foreign country
5. Learn and speak another language fluently


FOUR THINGS I'M AFRAID OF:
1.Being alone
2.hurting people
3. Loosing people
4.not getting anywhere in life



THREE THINGS I DO EVERYDAY:
1.Drink water
2.walk around the block
3.Text


TWO THINGS I'M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW:

1.get annoyed at my lamp…. Its spazing and keeps going off
2. Freak out about the bugs outside my window



ONE PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW:
1.Dan

What's your middle name?
Elizabeth

Do you like someone?
Yup

Does she/he/it like you?
Yup

Would you take a bullet for a friend?
Yes

Would they take a bullet for you?
Maybe, but I don't think I would want then to

Hawaii or Puerto Rico?
Hawaii

If you could have either an end to world hunger or happiness for your whole life, you'd choose:
End to World Hunger

Have you been in love?
Yes.

Are you loved?
Yesmm

Do you have stalkers?
ha creepers, not really

Have you stalked?
nope

What's your greatest accomplishment.
I'm actually not sure

Past or future?
Future

Pleasure or power?
An even mix

Conscience or body?
Conscience.

Apples or oranges?
apples.

Whipped cream or chocolate?
Whipped cream

Have you had a boyfriend?
yes

Have you cheated?
No.

Would you?
No.

Were you cheated on
yes

When did you last cry?
yesterday

Why did you last cry?
I was frustrated

Heart or head?
Both

What's your best quality?
I think i give pretty good advice sometimes : )

What's your worst quality?
I tend to be secretive

Where are you: Dance floor or table at a party?
Dance floor

Committed relationship or open relationship?
Committed

What do you think others like most about you:
I think its something like that I'm fun to be around and, that people feel like they can talk to me.

Beer or Rum?
Rum

Would you smoke to keep a girlfriend, or not smoke to get one?
neither, smoking is a disgusting habit

Do you believe in love at first sight?
No.

Do you want children?
yes.

Have you found true love?
yes.

Truth or dare?
Dare

Friends or family?
friends

Lease new car or buy old car:
Buy old car.

Palace or apartment?
apartment

If you had to, would you kill someone to save your family?
yeah

What do you want in life?
I want to accomplish my goals, and I want to be loved and have someone to love in return

Would you have a one-night stand with the girl of your dreams and then never be with anyone again, or never meet that girl but have relationships throughout your life?
Long relationship

Have you found her/him/it?
I think I might have

Would you do anything for her/him/it?
yesmm

What matters more to you: A person's intentions or their actions?
I think their actions and intentions area bout equal, but acting on those intentions is what counts in the long run.

Would you introduce yourself to a roomful of strangers?
yeah

what are your main talents?
singing.... giving advice

What do you want to do with your life?
travel the world, be loved and love someone in return, make new goals and achieve them

How will you die?
hopefully old age

What's your biggest fear?
losing people I love

What's your biggest turn--on?
Someone who is confident in themselves and not afraid to say what they mean and how they feel.

Philosophy or law?
Philosophy

Law or bureaucracy?
bureaucracy

Bureaucracy or Senate?
Senate

Senate or Presidency?
Senate

Wake up early, go to bed late OR go to bed early, wake up late:
go to bed early

Find the women of your dreams and lose her, or find someone else who turns out to be the girl of your dreams?
well, I'm more into guys but I would want the second one

Lie your way to fame, or never get anywhere
never get anywhere

Church or sleep in on Sundays?
I don't go to church

Truth or Dare OR Strip Poker
lol both

Are you happy?
Most of the time I'm extremely happy

Are you at peace with yourself?
usually

What's your pet peeve?
I have a lot of weird little OCD moments....

What's others pet peeve about you?
I think that it would be that I fidget so much lol

Last question: If you could change anything about your life, would you?
I think that the ways things are, are how I like them

1. What is more difficult for you: looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
- Looking into someones eyes when I tell them how I feel, I can never do it although I dont actually tell people how im feeling often, usually when I do I dont look a people, I look at the ground or something near me so I dont have to look at them

2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry.
last Tuesday

3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You get enough time to make ONE phone call. Who would you call?
-No one, I wouldn't know what to say to them,and I wouldn't want to only say good bye to just one person

4. You are at the doctor's office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

(A) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?
- I don't think I would, I think that I might leave a note somewhere for them to find after I had died

(B) What do you do with your remaining days?
- try to make peace with people and actually do the few things in life that I have always wanted to do

(C) Would you be afraid?
No, I think that knowing that I was going to die would actually put me at peace rather than it just happening at some point, and making me panic while it was happening.

5. You can have one of the following two things: trust/love.
I have found that at this point, I actually dont truly trust anyone so I want trust, my trust was completely shattered and I haven't managed to build it up again

6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
- I would save the dog and hope that i get to work on time, if i didnt then to bad, I can always get a new job but you cant bring the dog back.

7. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
- Germany


8. Think of the last person who you really knew that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give one year of your life. Do you?
- I would give them the hour, but somehow I dont know if he would have wanted me to give an hour of my own life up.

9. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
- If I was a different person and I met someone like who I am now, i wouldn't want to be friends with me.


11. Your best friend dies, what would you do?
- I dont have just one best friend, but my friends are my life, without them I would crumble. I think if I lost even one of them I would never truly get over it. Each and everyone of them is special in their own way to be and loosing one would make the circle incomplete


12. When and how was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt?
- Honestly the last person I told how i really felt to was Dan, and he was actually really good about it, I had a break down on the phone with him and he spent about 3 hours on the phone with me at night just so i could talk it out with him. Actually I didnt do much talking i just kind of cried and wanted him to talk to me so I wouldn't be alone. I think that was in January

13. What would be harder for you to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
- depending on the person, but in general it would be harder for me to tell them that I didnt love them


14. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up?
- Love

15. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them?
- I have written it a few times recently but not actually said it in a long time.

16. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, if you HAD to, even if you had "no regrets" what would it be?
- I would have never gone to theatre three 4 years ago

17. Imagine. It is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?
- My brother, I have always gone to him when im scared about anything.

18. Would you give someone CPR if they were dying?
- in a heartbeat

20. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or to never be in love?
- I never want to go through having my heart broken again, so i would rather never be in love

21. If you could do anything OR wish for anything that would come true, what would you do?
- I would wish myself back to 9th grade, I was happy then and I felt like i didnt have a thing to worry about. It was one of those years where everything seems to be going right and there was never much of anything to complain about.

Ever have one of those moments where you realize that what your doing is generally odd and well, makes you feel just a little more strange. Well yeah I just noticed that im on my 13th game of Spider Solitaire today, well more of in the last hour. So i think its about time to find something better to do. I noticed its been a while since I've updated so yeah here goes. So I took all my tests for midterms including the English regents. Actually it wasn't all that bad. the only thing I had any problem with was that stupid critical lens things where you have to come up with a idea that connects two generally random passages. So it had to be something about parenting and well that was the one BS essay out of the four and well I stuck with the weird idea i came up with so that has to count for something. the rest of the essays were really easy so I think I did pretty good. So I found out a few days ago that Melanie and Jason broke up. I have to say that I was kind of happy and yet still a bit sad about it all. I mean as much was i am mad at her and all I really do want her to be happy over all. I don't know.... What I do know though is that im glad that Jason and Andrea are together. I think that they will be really happy together. So today i spent most of the day just hanging out in my room listening to music and stuff. I'm going out tonight though, finaly. Jeannie, Katie Alyssa and I are going to see 27 Dresses. It looks really cute and well Jeannie is my chick flix buddy so we should have a good time. I haven't decided what to do tomorrow yet, i might have someone over or something. I guess that everything for now seems to be going well. I'm glad to not have any school drama to deal with for once. Well time to get ready for the movies, Peace.

I've been feeling a bit off lately. Although I cant seem to place what is throwing me off, its really starting to bother me a lot. I have to admit that there are quite a few possible things that could be messing me up now, but none of them seem like enough to really cause to much worry. I guess its just weird since i don't generally get worked up about anything like this. I guess it could be the thing with chel or it could be over things with Melanie, but for the most part Ive gotten over Melanie. I mean its not like i can exactly just drop it all and forget about it, its much more complicated than that. I would like to be friends with her but i swear im not going to tolerate any crap from her. its not worth the trouble and its not worth the stress it would cause me. I think that moving on might have been one of the most important steps in my life for a long time. I mean i have cant believe sometimes that i waisted 4 years of my life on her. I guess its good though that i didn't loose connection with the more important people in my life then because i would undoubtedly be lost without them now. for all i know i could have done something stupid long before now and well... lets not get into that one, since it didn't happen and its not going to. I think im done with relationships for a while. I need to really recover from this one before i really could even be committed to someone else like that. I want to be able to love someone the way I had, but im just afraid of getting hurt again. I never knew how much it hurt to be pushed away like that. I had never experience anything like it and i never want to go through that ever again. Its really strange not being with her actually, i think i had grown accustomed to it which is why i basically just listened to whatever she was telling me. I mean if i had actually been thinking straight though most of this i would have been out when she slapped me the first time. it never would have gotten this far.

So last night I hung out with Dan again and that was interesting, fun and yet still kind of strange. Somehow we just end up in awkward situations (even though it’s usually my fault) so he came over from 2 till 9 30 and I guess it was actually pretty fun. So other than last night things have been pretty normal. Nothing all to interesting to talk about. I went to Olivia’s sweet sixteen on Friday night and it was fun but I kept getting glared at by Melanie. Although at this point is really doesn’t bother me, she can go fuck herself for all I care. I don’t know at this point, well I guess that I’ll just have to wait and see for now. So right now I’m actually next door watching my neighbor, Carli. Ugh I want to go home but I think I’m here for another 2 hours but well it could be worse. I was supposed to be here on Saturday night but I wasn’t up to it so I decided against it. So things at school have been going a bit crazy. Chel wont talk to me and well I tried to apologize but she ignored me so I guess for now there is nothing I can actually do. I really think that if I have to apologize then she should to, because she said a few things that were really mean, and honestly I don’t know what I could have possible said to her during that argument that had made her not talk to me for a few days, perhaps it was just other things that have been building up over time, I guess I can just give her space for now and hope this turns out ok. So I have to go now, I’m being forced into drawing. Peace.

So this weekend was a complete strange array of well, strange things. I hung out with Jen and Chel for a while and I suppose that ive managed to generally improve my guitar hero skills, not that that is a good life skill or anything. Well after being at Jens house for a few hours I ended up going to get Katie since she really needed to get out of her house and all. So I grabbed her and we ended up in my house for the night. I have to admit that that was really fun. I love to talk to her since well we are really similar and it helps to talk things out sometime. SO including the “Yum” incident and the 1: 27 am “slappy” fight we generally didn’t hit any other hitches. The next day I hung out with Dan and that was interesting, not bad just interesting. Somewhere along the lines of oddly awkward and yet fun. So today was well long, and I’m desperately trying to keep up with my chem. Class, I really have to try not to fail it. Otherwise I don’t think I’m going to graduate on time; and well that would suck. So I guess that I’ll be back tomorrow if I get the chance and don’t get grabbed my Anthony in the morning and stuck in the cafeteria again. Well I guess all I can do at this point is wait and see how things turn out. Peace

So things seem to finally be settling down for now. Concert is now over but that only means that there is nyssma and lots of new music around the corner. The convert was definitely something. Kind of happy, kind of not. I remember last years concert and it hurts a bit; but I'm getting better with handling it all. So i have this thing with horoscopes, see i love them.( A lot) and i read this thing that's not quiet a horoscope but something that varies on the month, not the astrological sign. this is what mine says

" Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover. "

Don't you hate when things are to true? well It makes me think, and well i guess that im finally coming to terms with all the anger and whatnot that I've been trying to keep to myself about so many things. I think that during my concert i finally realized what I've been doing wrong and it gave me an anxiety attack. not a good thing to happen right before I have to go on to sing. Well eventually it subsided and I had managed to relax myself enough to not completely panic and mess up while on stage. I have to admit though, there was more than one reason that I kept my eyes glues to Contino. I really didn't want to wonder onto a more hurtful gaze.

So last night was something interesting. I had a really long conversation with someone and it actually helped a bit. Not that I’m going to name this said person but for some reason I really liked being able to just sit and talk to them for a while. I feel really at peace when I’m talking to them but in all honesty I don’t know why. I really love that I can say whatever I want to this person and they can just listen and accept what I’m talking about. So otherwise everything is ok for the moment. Things with Melanie and Jason are still on edge though. I’m really starting to wonder where that’s going to end up. So I guess I’, feeling a bit better than yesterday, still trying to avoid looking back to much but that’s a lot harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes when I’m just sitting here, I find myself thinking about something from last year, or even before then. Things were a lot similar back then. No drama no broken family but at least now I have my friends who are much more of a family than I’ve know in a long time.

So it’s much later now, almost 2 actually and well I’m not having the best day despite what it looks like. I don’t know I’ve been on edge lately and I really can’t explain why. It’s really awkward I mean. For some reason, like there is so much I want to say but at the same time I really can’t figure out what to say exactly. What’s odd about it is that it’s not really on just one topic or anything really all that specific. It’s just like there is something slightly off and it’s making me feel really strange around everyone. I hate feeling this way too. Is something so hard to explain that I can’t even grasp it myself and its just eating away at me. It kind of makes me think of this quote that I really loved for a while, from one of my favorite movies,

“Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside me... An emptiness that, at times, seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. And the moon tonight: there's a circle around it --- a sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole... Of not going to sleep each night wanting, but still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know... Maybe I've had my happiness. I don't want to believe it, but there is no man... Only that moon.”

So now I'm coming off as emo and well that’s no good. I don’t want anyone to end up worrying over this and well I don’t want to worry over it. I have something of a tendency to over think a think, which is what I’m rather sure I’m doing now. Sadly that’s just something I do. Kind of like a friend of mine that we have a tendency to call a “mental masochist” well I think it would be much better of me to not turn onto some odd sort of masochist, whether is be mental or physical ( and no I’m not some crazy cutting person, I got over that a long time ago) you know sometimes I think that I can fix all the things going wrong in my life but then there are times where everything seems to be crashing down on me, and there is no way to avoid it. Like its closing in on me, and I’m about to be crushed by it. Wow I hate metaphors sometimes. They have a tendency to make everything seem worse than it actually is, just like dramatic ending. Something might be massively boring then it end dramatically and all of a sudden it’s interesting and everyone wants to know about it. I think more than anything relationships are like that. Everyone wants to know about it when it starts, and by the time it finally gets around to ending its old news. But you see the trick to that is that if you end it dramatically then you can bring some form of attention back to yourself and if your lucky you would have been the one to end the relationship so you hence have the “power” in the relationship or well in what was the relationship and you get the wonderful prize of being able to tell people that you dumped so and so and not that your were dumped.
Ok the ranting is getting kind of old at this point so I think i’m done for now. Well I’ll be back tomorrow. Peace

So it’s Monday, and I’m at school; which I really wish I wasn’t. I had a rather long conversation with Dan on the phone yesterday because I felt like being random and ranting. Somehow he is very appealing to rant to since he just kind of listens to most of it then adds in when I’m done. See I was in a rather touchy mood last night for some unknown reason, but after that I was much better. I don’t know what going on really. I’ve been having some issues lately but I’m really confused about it all. I don’t know its like things are coming up for no real reason, like I’m just feeling kind of detached lately and more than anything having problems finding a lifeline.
See to make matters even more interesting, there have been some strange things going on with Jason and Melanie and I do feel bad telling Jason that it might be a good idea to break up with her, but I really don’t want to see him hurt. See he told me about some advice his sister gave him about how you really cant say that “he kissed me” she said “it takes four lips an two mouths to kiss” so I have to admit that it is kind of sketchy about them kissing, I mean it’s a disaster of unresolved feeling and I can slightly blame myself for that, but still I have unresolved feelings, but I’m not going around kissing anyone. Well another topic, for some reason I can’t seem to get my mind off of when I was going out with Dan, its just that its right around the time last year when we went out and I guess that I’m just thinking about this time last year. But it’s odd because as of today Dan and I still have a very similar relationship to what we had back then. I don’t know, its weird but I do know that I don’t want to go out with him again but i'm just kind of stuck in the past, dwelling on last year. Well I guess that I’ll just have to make this year better so I don’t have to dwell on the past.

( side note, sorry about the odd post from before, The bell rang and I had to Go to math..)

So today started a little off. I had this really odd dream last night about a certain guy who will not be named. So it starts with me walking around port Jeff and I walked into this book store and I see this guy who I know and DONT want to talk to at the moment. Not to say that i hate him or anything it was just for whatever reason I really didn't want to talk to him right there and then. So I go flying over to the door ( not literally) and try to open it but im a spaz and start to fumble with the door knob since it wont open and he turns and sees me. well I run out of the store after he walks over to me and I run down the block and across the road. I look back and he's standing on the opposite side staring at me with a very angry face. I'm a bit freaked out by it so I continue down the road rather quickly. at some point down the road someone grabs my wrist from behind and I jump realizing its him. I pulled away and ran for some reason yelling " stop it!" ( remember this is a dream so it doesn't have to make sense) So im running down the road and he's running behind me. I turn into this outside restaurant thing and run around a bunch of tables and he gets stuck behind some waiter or something so I run into the main part of this restaurant which is also someones house. I run down a hallway and see him near the entrance and end up ducking behind this weird door thing next to a stair case. whats really strange was that all the waiters and waitresses don't care that im curled up there, they all just kind of smile and wave or whatnot. So i hear him coming and frantically look around and this little girl grabs my hand and pulls me up the stairs into some room. There is this really pretty lady laying on this big golden bed and there is a smaller pink bed near the door. I hide under it with a blanket over me when I hear him yelling outside the door. He comes in and looks around then grabs the end of the blanket im under and pulls, exposing my foot. he grabbed my foot and pulled me out. I tried to scramble out the door but he's really strong and I cant shake him off. He ends up grabbing my wrist and pulling me out of the room, down the stairs and out of the restarunt. he's pulling me down the block talking about how he's angry that I ran away from him and I'm still trying to pull away. We get down into this neighborhood that actually looks like someone some of my family lives ( buts its not in port Jeff...) its kinda dark and the sun is starting to go down but he's still pulling me behind him. I still try to pull away and he turns and slaps me in the face and I stopped pulling. ( this is were things get a bit fuzzy) I remember walking next to him but he wasn't pulling me, i think he made my promise not to run away if he let go. so were walking and we run into someone that we know, some guy names Mike or something ( not an actual person... someone I made up ) so the three of us are walking down the road and its getting dark when my phone rings and its my dad wondering where I am. I actually didn't know where we were, so I gave my phone to ( person who wont be named) and he was talking to my father when i screamed because there is this BIG ass rat right in front of me ( like where I was about to step) Mike laughs and (person who will not be named) tells my father why I screamed. So this dream just ended after that.... it was weird

So the problems have seemed to take a change of course. Instead of school related issues they had magically migrated to my house. Money issues are basically the main thing. My parents and their stupid money things, well actually my father and his debt. I cant say I didn’t exactly deny that something along these lines would happen I just hope that it will end up resolved. Besides the money thing everything this else has been good lately. Uhh ohh got to go be back later